Following the success of getting Ulduar done, I thought maybe we could get me the Kiril polearm, after all. This stupid weapon and I do not have a happy history with each other.
First of all, it’s a polearm. Not a staff. A POLEARM. I understand there are many people who are able to enjoy mogging for what it is, and maybe if I didn’t fret over each gold I could have learned to, as well. But it’s definitely not what I expected it to be, and I think even a lot of the hardcore moggers would agree there are things about it that just make you ask, “But… WHY???” And since I wouldn’t be able to mog Kiril to look like the Ursol’s Claw staff, I really have my doubts on how this is the best weapon for me as a bear.
Then there’s the problem with where it comes from. The people I can work with for a raid are spread across several severs, so LFR is my only hope. However, LFR is only 25 man. I’ve been through ups and dows of believing I can do this and believing it’s never going to happen. For quite a while now, I’ve believed the biggest thing standing in my way has been not being able to get the gear to get my ilevel up enough for LFR. Now that I know from Ulduar that I do have people on other servers I’m okay for grouping with, that doesn’t seem so impossible. It’s not that there’s no one on my home server… just that there’s frequently not enough for a whole group. That’s not really an obstacle, after all. We could do the dungeons and get me the gear.
But we don’t have 25 people I think I can work with. And here’s the part I really need folks to understand… just because I can’t work with you doesn’t mean I don’t like you, and just because I like you doesn’t mean I can work with you.
That’s a huge part of my problem in WoW right there. That’s why “group with friends” is not a simple solution to my problems in the game.
My anxiety in social situation isn’t true “social anxiety”. It’s anxiety that comes from too much going on at one time. Too many people present. Too much moving around. Too many things to consider. Too many voices speaking. Too much, too many, too often. The larger the group gets, the more I need to be able to control everything that’s happening. And then I get upset because I do NOT want that kind of responsibility and/or authority! If I had to assign an alignment to my meatspace self, I’m chaotic good. Now think about that… to handle all the stimuli, I need to be able to control all of it. But a lot of the stimuli is people. So, someone who is chaotic good having to have full control over a bunch of people… you see how this becomes a big ball of anxiety ripping through my guts and bursting out of my chest?
I do appreciate every offer of help I get from each and every person. I just can’t always take you up on it. And I certainly can’t anyone up on an offer that boils down to “just stay in the back and we’ll take care of it”. I will not be carried. More importantly, I will not be robbed of my chance to tank. I truly enjoy tanking and find peace in doing it. Getting a piece of gear I really, really want is a momento that goes in the bank when it’s replaced with an upgrade. I don’t want that to be replaced with “I just stood there while everybody else got it for me”.
I think Ulduar really was my last thing to do. That’s very fitting. I came full circle. Kiril isn’t that important. Bigger isn’t always better.